lonely

 Just when I think I've made it through the roughest part of having a new baby a black cloud drifts over me and I just can't see how to change it. 

I was starting to make friends in my playgroup. After having CPS called on me by people who I thought were my friends I am cautious. So I had no one's email or phone number. Just hoped I would see them again at another playgroup meeting. Then the organizer shuts down the playgroup. Just like that. No one to talk to. Now I have to start all over.

Husband comes home from work and doesn't feel like listening to me talk. I will be talking about something and five minutes later he will ask me about the same thing I was talking about. Example from yesterday:

Me: "When [Alpha] was at school today [Beta] layed on a pillow in the living room floor and took a nap all on her own while I was nursing Gamma. It was so cute!"

Him five minutes later: "Did [Beta] take a nap today?"

Me: "Are you seriously asking me that?" I had just finished telling him about her nap. He was fucking ignoring me.

 My mom doesn't like to talk to me on the phone, she half ignores me when I call her. The only friends I do have work full time. 

I hate being alone with the kids all day. I feel guilty for hating it, but I hate it. I take them to the park but we never stay long because its hard to keep track of Beta. She is 20 months old and tries to run in the street. 

I feel like I am so alone and no one cares. I just want some friends. Is that so much to ask for out of life?

third trimester depression?

I am 37 weeks pregnant. With my third child. I have spent many hours in the past month locked in the bathroom crying. I feel like I'm not a good enough mom. I'm not a good enough wife. My family deserves better then what I am giving them at this point. It's like nothing I do is right. 

My house is messy. Laundry is undone. Dishes are unwashed. It sickens me. But I'm so tired. My back hurts. 

Everyday I look down at my belly and I resent it. I should be glowing. I should be grateful to be pregnant. Some women can't get pregnant. Instead I'm very unhappy. 

After I had my Second child (18 months ago). I was experiencing PPD(post partum depression) pretty bad. I had to stop seeing my therapist because of financial reasons and I tried zoloft for a few months, it didn't work out. I am starting to wonder if its still the PPD. Or maybe I am just insane.

I can't remember the last time I hung out with a friend. I feel so alone and hopeless at times. Husband works so hard, he shouldn't have to take care of me too.

First Post

I decided to start an anonymous blog. I know it can never be 100% anonymous but I just need somewhere I can write without worrying about who is going to read it. 

Today has been a terrible day. I spent most of the morning crying. Just the monotony of being a stay-at-home-mom of two kids. Being 35 weeks pregnant with my third. A husband who lives on his own schedule rather then the one the kid's and I live on. Living miles and miles away from the nearest family member. Being dumped by every friend I make out here. Its all too much. Sometimes, I just hate my life.