lonely

 Just when I think I've made it through the roughest part of having a new baby a black cloud drifts over me and I just can't see how to change it. 

I was starting to make friends in my playgroup. After having CPS called on me by people who I thought were my friends I am cautious. So I had no one's email or phone number. Just hoped I would see them again at another playgroup meeting. Then the organizer shuts down the playgroup. Just like that. No one to talk to. Now I have to start all over.

Husband comes home from work and doesn't feel like listening to me talk. I will be talking about something and five minutes later he will ask me about the same thing I was talking about. Example from yesterday:

Me: "When [Alpha] was at school today [Beta] layed on a pillow in the living room floor and took a nap all on her own while I was nursing Gamma. It was so cute!"

Him five minutes later: "Did [Beta] take a nap today?"

Me: "Are you seriously asking me that?" I had just finished telling him about her nap. He was fucking ignoring me.

 My mom doesn't like to talk to me on the phone, she half ignores me when I call her. The only friends I do have work full time. 

I hate being alone with the kids all day. I feel guilty for hating it, but I hate it. I take them to the park but we never stay long because its hard to keep track of Beta. She is 20 months old and tries to run in the street. 

I feel like I am so alone and no one cares. I just want some friends. Is that so much to ask for out of life?

"giving up" on cloth diapers

I have used cloth diapers on my daughter for her first 18 months of life. I used disposables at night and when we left the house, but during the day at home she would be in cloth. I have tried to use them on both my 18 month old and my newborn since he was born. It has been hard.  I liked doing the right thing fo rthe environment. I already have so much laundry. The diapers were having to be washed every day. Then the fuzzibunz I had raved about to anyone that would listen started to repel the pee. My husband and I were getting peed on every day. Apparently the soap I used to wash the diapers in (Kirkland free and clear) was leaving something on the diapers.

So like a lot of things in my life, I give up. The past 5 days have been all disposables and I am a little less stressed. I hate to say I "give up." Because I feel like I have given up on everything. High School. Jobs. But if it makes life a little easier and I am a little less stressed out, it is totally worth it.

long time no blog

Things are better now. I have a 5 week old baby and am no longer miserable.

I have decided to blog here instead of my regular blog. More to come!

third trimester depression?

I am 37 weeks pregnant. With my third child. I have spent many hours in the past month locked in the bathroom crying. I feel like I'm not a good enough mom. I'm not a good enough wife. My family deserves better then what I am giving them at this point. It's like nothing I do is right. 

My house is messy. Laundry is undone. Dishes are unwashed. It sickens me. But I'm so tired. My back hurts. 

Everyday I look down at my belly and I resent it. I should be glowing. I should be grateful to be pregnant. Some women can't get pregnant. Instead I'm very unhappy. 

After I had my Second child (18 months ago). I was experiencing PPD(post partum depression) pretty bad. I had to stop seeing my therapist because of financial reasons and I tried zoloft for a few months, it didn't work out. I am starting to wonder if its still the PPD. Or maybe I am just insane.

I can't remember the last time I hung out with a friend. I feel so alone and hopeless at times. Husband works so hard, he shouldn't have to take care of me too.

About me.

I am 24 years old. I moved far away from my crappy family to be with my wonderful husband(who is only human after all, and is not perfect even though he is wonderful.) I have two children. Today I am 36 weeks pregnant with my third. 

I am a selfish bitch who wishes for nothing more at this moment then to no longer be pregnant. I can't sleep, I can't get off the couch easily, I can't put on socks, I can't see my vag. I have been having contractions for two weeks.  I think I am farther along then the midwives think but I am not a midwife so I get no say. 

I have cried a lot in the past two weeks. I wish my body would make up its mind and stop contracting and waking me up until it was time to have the baby. I have been grumpy towards my other two children. I hope this doesn't scar them for life. I love them so much, I am just miserable right now.

The person who I thought was my best friend hasn't spoken to me in 4 months. She wouldn't answer emails or texts. Basically I was dumped by the only close friend I had made out here. I miss having friends. I hate feeling so alone all the time. 

I am so emo.

First Post

I decided to start an anonymous blog. I know it can never be 100% anonymous but I just need somewhere I can write without worrying about who is going to read it. 

Today has been a terrible day. I spent most of the morning crying. Just the monotony of being a stay-at-home-mom of two kids. Being 35 weeks pregnant with my third. A husband who lives on his own schedule rather then the one the kid's and I live on. Living miles and miles away from the nearest family member. Being dumped by every friend I make out here. Its all too much. Sometimes, I just hate my life.